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Me, Myself, and I


“An ugly personal disdain for life is a reaction to an internal fury. A rage of immense portions clogs my veins. Similar to a convict sentenced to death row, I know my fate. I deplore living in solitary confinement. I hunger to locate the hidden power to escape a loathsome prior self. The gallows is the only apparent reprieve to the paucity of my personal existence. Unless I assassinate my pernicious ego, I will continue to experience life as a revolving wheel of anguish, suffering, guilt, remorse, and self-hatred.”
― Kilroy J. Oldster, Dead Toad Scrolls


Nobody can verbally abuse me any worse than how I verbally abuse myself. I am the king of negative self-talk and the amount of hate, loathing, and I completely lack love for myself. There is no negotiating with myself because I don’t have a good relationship with self and my mind is constantly in a state of conflict. I know how I speak about myself shapes how others view me, I know it damages our family and makes our family unhealthy and yet I cannot seem to get out of the cycle of negative self-talk. 

Man this is probably the hardest entry into this project as I knew it would be because I knew that I would struggle with trying to focus on any positive communication I might have with myself. I honestly don’t know if I ever speak positively to myself but I do know that my communication to self really shapes my world view and can be extremely powerful. I know this because I suffer from anxiety and have panic attacks and it takes a lot of speaking to myself out loud when I am alone to keep an attack from getting worse and if lucky I can talk myself down even though I don’t even remotely believe own words when I tell myself that “I am fine” and that “I will be ok”. 

They say that you can’t truly love someone until you truly love yourself but I also don’t wonder if you can’t have healthy communication with anyone else until you can have a healthy communication with yourself. I hope one day I can stop being so hard on myself.
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That one time I met Brad Wilcox...and probably creeped him out. (long story).
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Back in the day!

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The day I became a father for the first time.
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Antelope Island.
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Me.
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My brother from another mother Larry and me at heaven...I mean "Curry in a Hurry"!

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That one time I met Mick Foley and creeped him out. BANG BANG!
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Smoking some turkey for our annual "Thanksgiving in July".
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I only take "selfies" when I feel like I look nice so they are rare.


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