My Relationship with Deity.

"Our fathers were our models for God, if our fathers bailed, what does that tell you about God?"
-Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

In the book “Fight Club” the main character’s psyche is fractured causing him to create a split personality who he believes he’s interacting with which is never disclosed to the reader until the climax of the book. A big part of the book is the banter between him and his second personality with the above quote being one of those conversations. The rest of the quote goes as follows:

What you end up doing is you spend your life searching for a father and God.

What you have to consider is the possibility that God doesn't like you. Could be, God hates us. This is not the worst thing that can happen.”

For a long tenure of my 20’s I whole heartily believed that God wanted nothing to do with me and if He did it was to hate me and I could easily see why as I hated myself just the same. In fact it was the missionary lesson’s about Heavenly Fathers love for me that I had the hardest time accepting and sadly that has not changed.

I have a personal theory that how your treat yourself and your self-talk directly correlates with your relationship with God and being I’m so hard on myself I believe that my relationship with my Father in Heaven is strained for it. You are what you think and what you speak to yourself and while I understand this I have what feels like an impossible task to change that. I would dare say how I speak to myself would be considered verbal abuse if I was to ever speak to anyone else in the same manner.

While writing this I had the thought pop into my head that my self-abuse extends to my bride and my God via proxy because I am both married and have accepted baptism in the Restored Gospel. I have or am supposed to become one with both my wife and my God and if that truly is the case my self-abuse will either prevent that oneness to happen and or ruin the relationship.


Yeshua

Credit: Greg Olsen

Comments

Adilyn Grace

I hope that my daughter grows up empowered and doesn't define herself by the way she looks but by qualities that make her a intelligent, strong and responsible woman. -Isaiah Mustafa Adilyn is my firstborn and my contestant worry because of her tenderheartedness and sensitivity. This little would be in the dictionary under the word empathy because it just oozes out of her so abundantly. She also can throw one really decent temper tantrum and can act super entitled which both go to remind me of my mom because she was the same way. I remember being scared to death of Adilyn for about the first year because I had never really held or took care of a newborn before her and never really thought I would be a parent after living the life I did. The day she was born she had that first poopy diaper all newborns have and it took me literally thirty plus minutes to change her because I was terrified of hurting her and was shaking too bad. Cooper and his wife was visiting at ...

Quoraline the Queen Bee

I asked God for a healthy baby. An answer arrived in my daughter. -Faith Salie Quoraline is my little miracle baby and I say that with all seriousness because we could have easily lost her. Before her we had been pregnant before which turned out to be both an ectopic pregnancy and viable pregnancy that we had to terminate in order to save my wife’s life. She’s so extremely smart, happy, and just such a light in all our lives which is why we call her the “queen bee”. She’s always smiling and has been since day one which is just amazing because both Becky and my stress levels were so high during the pregnancy we worried she might feel like we didn’t want her. I don’t know what I did to deserve such beautiful girls in my life but I do know that I don’t truly deserve them. So she will turn one here in December so she’s hitting the developmental stage where she’s starting to speak which is so exciting. She’s been saying “mama”, “dada”, “dad”, “baba” (bottle), “mon moe” ...

Becky the Woman Crazy Enough to Marry me!

Happy is the man who finds a true friend, and far happier is he who finds that true friend in his wife. -Franz Schubert My poor, poor wife. When I met my wife it was during a very awkward time in my life because I was still a new member of The Church which was a total 180 degree spin from who I was, so I was in the process of rediscovering myself and it really showed in all the wrong ways. She wanted nothing to do with me until I gave a talk during Sacrament that saved her from leaving The Church. Really what got her really interested in me was the fact that I was a very good active listener who made sure she knew that she was the center of my attention by paraphrasing and asking follow up questions. I am sad to say that I’ve slacked in our marriage when it comes to make sure she knows that I am listening like I did when we dated and I bet that has helped us go down the rabbit hole of negative communication in our marriage. Becky and I really have a hard time c...

The Most Valuable Antiques

Search This Blog